Why I won’t report my rape to the cops.

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This is what I was wearing Monday night, as I went out for an early birthday celebration. I was smiling, loving my new dress, flirting at Charlie’s. I had a few too many drinks, and a couple to boot. I was feeling happy, and friendly, and chatty, and very drunk as I stumbled toward home.

I got down to the 16th St. Mall, and a man fell into stride next to me and started talking. He told me how pretty he thought I was. He asked me for directions to the hyatt, then if I’d like to go smoke a joint in his hotel room. I was drunk, and went with him. I was even entertaining the idea of having sex with him- because he brought it up. I told him I was trans and he said it didn’t matter.

We got into his room, and he motioned for me to sit down on a low chair. The next thing I knew he was cramming his penis down my throat. It was 10 or more inches and rather big around, and as he ripped my scarf and glasses off, grabbing my head and hatefucking my face, I could feel every thrust all the way to the middle of my chest. I finally summoned up the strength to throw him off me. I don’t remember what I was yelling, but I know I told him I would kill him if he didn’t stay away. His response, “You’re a man, take it like one.”

I collected what I could and got out as fast as I could, getting to the next block before collapsing into a corner, crying.

I have a bruise where my head hit the wall when I fell, and my throat hurts. I keep reliving every moment, trying to find some way that I wasn’t raped, so I don’t have to feel this way.

People want me to report it to the police. I know better. I have watched too many women get shredded by the process, as they are put on trial rather than the perpetrator.

First off on parade is her sex life, and I happen to like sex. (I did, anyhow) My past (recent past included) has some… excitement in it. I know it’s no excuse for him to rape me, but it will “discredit” my testimony.

Second, I was drunk. Too drunk, in fact, to consent. As I think back, I’m aghast that I went to his room, something I would not have done sober, which brings us to number three, being that I went to his room, which would be called consent by the defense. These tactics work on juries, sometimes, and police officers tend to believe men over women.

I don’t want to be put on trial for having had sex before. I don’t want to have to justify myself for not wanting him to try and do me anally through the mouth. I wish the fact that I was too drunk to consent and would never have consented to having his big penis shoved down my throat like he was the roto rooter man looking for a clog was enough to make it so he’d be put away, never to do this to another woman.

But I know better. My sex life would be put on trial. The fact that I’m trans would be put center stage, and I would have to sit through dozens of interviews with police officers, DA’s, then get on the witness stand, and have to see him again. At every turn, asked again and again about every detail from that night.

In the end, there’s a 50/50 chance he’d walk. It would be, as Limp Bizkit would have put it, “All about the he said, she said bullshit.”

But wait, there’s more!

The next bit is who the jury believes, the man or the trans woman- so the odds are probably much lower than that. 70/30, in his favor. He’s got the money for a room at the Hyatt, while I’m a disabled woman living in a subsidized apartment- 80/20. I sleep with different people quite a bit because I don’t really have hangups about sex. Or didn’t, rather. 90/10.

It’s not worth it. It would tear me up, and the bastard would walk. I don’t want to give him a pass, but I don’t want to be put on trial for being a victim, and lose.

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About Narcissa

I’m a volunteer and community activist, opinionated, moderate to liberal in political outlook, and a trans woman.
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15 Responses to Why I won’t report my rape to the cops.

  1. Recca Redscales says:

    That is just terrible! I have many a trans friend, male to female, female to male, and I worry my head off about them. They are my friends and if something happened to them like this, I would never let them believe that they won’t stand a chance.

    • Narcissa says:

      Be careful about giving them false hope. Trans people are third class citizens, at best. I hate to say it, but I see it every day.

  2. sophi says:

    which is why we need to just hunt down men like this and cut off their junk and leave them to bleed to death. and do it fucking wholesale. no questions. we live in rape culture so if they’re to the point of being accused they’re fucking guilty hands down.

  3. Amie McAteer says:

    I understand and support you 100%.

  4. your friend says:

    ♥ ♥ ♥ your honest transparency, Narcissa…..your message is so important that i am at a loss for words ♥ ♥ ♥

  5. Krista says:

    A judge here in Flagstaff told a woman that was groped in a bar that if she wouldn’t have been there that night, none of that would have happened to her. Made it out to be her fault that it happened. And this was a female judge. I find it ridiculous that we just let these people get away with these things. I’m sorry this happened to you. I completely understand why you didn’t go to the cops.

  6. acg says:

    I’m sorry that happened to you. I am a victim advocate. I understand that you do not want to go to the police. Can I help with any other resources? I can give you information regarding place you can go that would remain confidential. You’re not alone. You matter.

    • Narcissa says:

      Thank you for your offer. I am going to be using some resources I already know of, but if you would like to send me a list of resources available I would be glad to post it.

  7. Anonymous in Denver says:

    *hugs* actually what will likely happen (as something similar happened to me a year ago) is that they won’t actually prosecute. I ID’ed my attacker in a lineup, I’d had 2 beers and wasn’t intoxicated, willingly got into a car with the attacker because he seemed safe (older man) and it was very late and I was going to wait an hour for a bus and he offered me a ride home. I could ID him from a lineup and yet they did nothing, he never got my pants off or touched below the belt, but he choked me and pinched my nipple so hard that I could still feel it days later. I threw up nonstop for weeks, had to be put on anti anxiety meds, underwent treatment for PTSD and still suffer episodes of PTSD. The Denver Police were wonderful. They were quiet when approaching me, and praised me for being brave enough to come in when others wouldn’t. They gave me information on victim’s assistance and put someone in charge of calling me to make sure that I was ok, but the prosecutors decided it was going to be too difficult to prosecute because I’d been drinking, because I’d willingly gone with him, and at one point I tried to play along because I was afraid that I was going to die in that car. Most likely the police will be supportive, but the state won’t prosecute.
    I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through this and hugs to you. I’m pretty sure you can see my e mail address from the comment. Please know that I am here for you if you need anything. *gentle hugs*

  8. A says:

    Love you…

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